Remember the golden old days when we actually believed our parents when they told us that babies are bought in the market? Back when we were so innocent to envision two naked people, in bed, alone, just doing stuff together. Those were the days when kissing sounded too gross and sex was typically anything that involved touching, like hugging!
We’ve all fallen victims of sketchy misconceptions about sex at some point in life, all thanks to futile sex Ed classes, lies from peers and of course, the internet. Personally, I used to bunk off classes in the afternoons so I could ‘sleep’ with my so called ‘girlfriend’ in the grass, like parents do. Oh, and I thought women lay eggs. I was only six, okay?
Here are some of the craziest ideas we all probably had about sex when growing up.
- People only have sex at night
This is a big one. In fact, almost everybody still relates sex with darkness to date. Think of it as a good way to end a long crappy day. Almost all kids, and apparently first timers, believe that sex only happens at night, with the lights off.
- The sex of the baby depends on the direction the couple is facing during sex
I blame this on How I Met your Mother (movie). If a couple does it while facing west, the child will be a boy. If they do it facing east, it’s a girl. Or is it the other way around? What about if they do it in the center, will it be twins, a boy and a girl? I’m not sure. Nonetheless, it’s a hysterically inaccurate belief. Some people also believed that the sex of the baby highly hinged on whoever tried hardest in bed. If this were true, some families would really suffer from feminism. And yes, pun is intended here!
- Sex in the shower is romantic
Ok there might be some truth in this one. But let’s be real for a minute. The girl gets to enjoy all the hot water alone, while the guy, who is usually standing behind, only ends up all soaked up in soap. But hey, soap is slimy, and slimy is sexy, if you know what I mean. So maybe we were not entirely wrong about this one
The issue on twins is really confusing to kids. No seriously, it’s confusing. Some of us used to believe that if you had sex twice in a row, you’d end up with twins. Some believed that twins resulted from a baby being too huge to come directly come out of a woman. So the woman had to take certain pills to split the baby into two. Then Biology happened and we all learnt about chromosomes and other funny terms I can’t remember.
- Sex involves the guy peeing into the woman
I know this is pretty extreme for kids but, you’d be surprised by how wild young boys‘ thoughts are. Growing up in a boy’s-only boarding school meant discussing all kinds of stuff on Saturday afternoons. This is where the adolescent ‘cool’ boys and the know-it-alls got to prove their superiority in matters pertaining to girls. Boy were we stupid enough to believe these lies.
- Having sex with a pregnant woman will kill the baby
We have all fallen for this one, at least once. For the record, I still think it’s possible to poke the baby when having sex with a pregnant woman. I mean, sure there are all those contracted muscles in the cervix but, don’t you think that there’s a slight possibility of jabbing the poor infant with your ‘you know what’? Securities get bypassed all the time you know.
All in all, I think it was quite fun believing in all this stuff. After all, life is boring without a little mystery.