The Stone Age
This one was the living ancestor, mostly a History teacher. He could tell you stories of how he used to play Brikicho with Mekatilili wa menza and how Dedan Kimathi was an accurate shooter. If there was a big liar in the teaching fraternity, then it had to be this one. He would use half the lesson explaining a single point, while relentlessly looking for that opportune moment to narrate to you how life used to be back then.
It’s like this one came to work with a pocket full of TseTse flies. The moment he/she stepped on the door, everybody would switch to energy saving mode. It was not a wonder that most of us never filled our first exercise book (since form 1) in this subject for the entire four years.
This one was a favorite to everyone. He used to be the funniest character in the school, transforming all his lessons to live Churchill show sessions. It’s a miracle that we passed this subject with flying colors. I still remember my deskmate writing a composition in broken Kiswahili, just because the teacher said it. “Mbuzi ni kifaa cha kukunia nazi”
Hitler (The Devil)
Given a chance students would run away from Hitler’s class. You would never attempt to sleep in his class. Nobody knew why he was so brutal on people but at the end of the day he molded our futures. His usual slogan was “rara shini tufukuze ujinga, passmark razima tufanye nini? Raziiima tufikishe!.” Then at that moment a 20 ton whack would land on your butt. He was the reason people like Mucunu (my deskmate) remembered their Grandmothers and ancestors during the caning sessions.
The Kimenyi (Know it all)
There is nothing in the school he/she didn’t know. In the parade sessions he/she was usually the one to mention about how boys don’t bathe and how the form 4’s stole Githeri at night from the Kitchen. He/She was a frequent visitor to the Principals office to report law breakers like Mucunu.
The Nerdy One
Nobody understood what this one was teaching. Apparently, he was too smart to be a high school teacher. A story goes that he was a former engineering student but didn’t complete his studies because lecturers thought that he was going to get mad. Normally, he would open his lesson with a sentence about Sodium Bicarbohydrates and end it in Phosphoral Cyrenecytoplasmnomic. You get it right? This Geek taught us University stuff while we were only 3 days old in Form 1.
He was very good at Hide n Seek. Every moment you let your guard down to make a little noise (to break the monotony) during Preps, he had to be the one at the window to catch you. It’s like he did a course in Sneaking and Peepingology.
The Hot One
Here comes the High school Vera Sidika. If you went to a purely all-Girls High school you probably don’t understand the impact such a hot teacher had on students. Boys would literally pay to be in the bus headed for some boring Geography field trip, just because she is the one in charge of the trip. Mucunu even broke his ankle while pushing the rest of the Mafisis at the door in order to get a glimpse of Madam 8. It was not a wonder to hear some boys claiming that they enjoyed getting punished by Madam.
All he did was eat. He was a very talented party crasher, scheming how he’s going to visit Form 2 Jupiter during their Academic Bash. You wouldn’t miss him at Redcross funkies and CU Rallies. Food was his major attention grabber. Rumor had it that he used to take home all the illegal snacks they collected from students during opening days.
The Day Dreamer (The one that was always High)
This one was a pure Antirada. He never knew what he taught last or what he was going to teach today. All he knew was how to make sodium Chloride from salt, and that was his favourite experiment. To be honest, he knew nothing . The only problem was that you wouldn’t question his teaching methodology because he would whack you till you forget what your question was.
To him, correcting a teacher was suicidal, because he kind of felt intimidated or belittled if a student corrected him. So we rolled by the tides until he was eventually transferred. In most cases, this teacher was always intoxicated in alcohol and cigarettes.
The Wanderer (Omnipresent)
This Teacher was virtually everywhere. From the dormitories to the lavatories, to the laboratories to the everywheretories. No wonder they earned themselves some funny nicknames like Helicopter and Omnipresent. Moreover he used to know 98% of the students by name and those with peculiar voices like Mucunu, were his favourite catches in his frequent patrols.